Posted by on Sep 2, 2013

BeginnersCardio

B.J. KEETON is an author, teacher, runner, and lifelong geek. After being too big to fit on a roller-coaster in 2010, he decided that he wasn’t going to let his weight keep him from living his life and has since lost nearly 150 pounds. When he isn’t trying to think of a way to trick Fox into putting Firefly back on the air, he is either writing science fiction, watching an obscene amount of genre television, or looking for new ways to integrate fitness into his geektastic lifestyle. B.J. is also the author of Birthright and co-author of Nimbus: A Steampunk Noveland he adores the online indie author community.

Visit B.J. on his websiteTwitterFacebook, and Fitocracy.

Running is dirty. It’s nasty and filthy. Honestly, it’s downright funky. You are not going to ever–ever!–end a run clean and spotless. Unless you’re this guy.

You are going to sweat, you are going to spit, and you are going to stink. You are going to be crusty and wet, and your hair is going to be a mess. And you know what?

You’re going to love it.

Even if you’re addicted to hand sanitizer like I am, something about becoming a runner makes you a little more tolerant of running’s inherent ickiness.

Don’t believe me?

Just look at the popularity of color runs and mud runs. People flock to these kinds of events and finish looking like real-life anime characters or slasher-movie extras, respectively. Not only that, the post-run photos always depict the runners disgustingly happy and peppy despite being disgustingly in need of a bath.

If you’re looking to start running, you need to keep in mind how dirty of a habit it really is. And by dirty, I really mean awesome.

Runners sweat.

And not just a little. Runners sweat a lot. I can’t count the number of runs I’ve ended where I look like I just got out of the pool. Even if you’re wearing wicking clothes, you’re going to be drenched. Even if you’re in a perfectly air-conditioned environment, you’re going to be streaked with salt lines when you’re done.

And if you’re like me, the idea of that is disgusting. If you’re like me, you hate being dirty, hate feeling gritty and salty and sticky. You probably hate it when your clothes stick to your body.

But if you want to be a runner, you have to overcome that. Part of being a runner is sweating from places you never thought you’d sweat from.

At this point in my running career, if I don’t end up with a nice, salty sheen, I don’t feel like I’m pushing hard enough. One day, you’ll feel the same way. And when that day comes, you’re going to love it.

Even if you don’t quite appreciate it at first.

Runners Stink.

Because of how much you’re going to sweat and just how drenched you’re likely to be on any given day, you are going to be…ripe. Yeah, ripe. That’s the nice way of putting it.

In other words, you’re going to be the real-life equivalent of Pig-Pen from Peanuts. After most runs, you’re going to be surrounded by a cloud of muck and stink that makes non-runners go out of their ways to avoid being in your vicinity.

Why do I say non-runners? Because runners get used to the smell. It’s not quite body odor, but it’s the odor of your body. It’s the smell of a good burn. It’s the stench of doing something worthwhile for your body. And eventually, you won’t even notice it anymore.

My wife and I used to make jokes about us being the stinky twins after we ran. We’d go home, immediately shed our workout clothes, toss them in the wash, and then hit the showers. We couldn’t stand to be so stinky, even if it was just going to be around each other.

Now, though, that’s all changed. I don’t even notice the smell anymore, and I doubt she does, either. And as you move into your career as a runner, you probably won’t notice it for very long, either. Much like the amount of sweat you’ll have pouring off your body, the smell just kinds of becomes…ordinary.

Now, whether that’s a good thing, I don’t know.

Runners spit.

Veruca Salt was right: Spitting is a dirty habit.

Thing is, if you’re a runner, you have to spit. You just have to. You’re drinking constantly, and you’re panting and breathing, and sometimes…it’s just too much.

There comes a point in every single run when the idea of swallowing the water you just put in your mouth is disgusting. Your stomach will turn, and you’ll end up just wetting your mouth and squirting the remainder on the side of the road.

Because of some nasal issues, my head is consistently congested. I run with a lot of drainage, and the excess mucus has to go somewhere that ain’t my belly. So I spit. A lot.

The important thing to remember is that because you’re going to spit a lot, you have to make sure you’re not doing it around other people. Spitting isn’t the worst thing you can do. Spitting on another runner might be, though.

Runners snot.

And if spitting is a dirty habit, I don’t even know how to classify runner’s need for a perfect snot rocket. I mean, seriously, any activity where there are specialized videos on how to properly blow your nose without hitting people with the projectile is an activity after my own heart.

Like I said before, I get congested really easily. On top of that, I have exercise-induced asthma, so before most runs, I take a couple puffs of Albuterol. The medication tends to loosen a lot of stuff in my head, and I’m sniffling and snot-rocketing the entire distance of my runs.

Even if you don’t have medication affecting you, you’re going to be snotty. The most important part of running is breathing, so the clearer you keep your airways the better. During cold weather runs, you’re likely to have long sleeves on. Don’t feel bad about wiping your nose a sleeve or even using it as a makeshift hanky. And during hot weather? That’s what the bottom of your shirt is for!

Sure it’s nasty, but we’ve already established that you’re going to be soaked in sweat and bodily fluids anyway. Just make sure you don’t shake anyone’s hands after the run unless you push up your sleeves first.

Because, well, eww.

What Have We Learned?

That runners are dirty and stinky and wet and gross. But we’re also healthy and lean and strong and resilient. We know the value of hard work and how to push through the nastiness and discomfort. And we can see the good that can and will come despite–and maybe because of–all that grossness.

So yeah, running is a dirty habit. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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